Today’s blog post could well be short.
Because I have an audit-induced-would-slay-an-elephant-style-pounding-headache, that has resulted from too many hours in too small a space looking intently at spreadsheets.
I seriously haven’t had a headache like this in a long time.
Throb. Type. Throb. Type. Throb.
This has to be the worst part of securing funding.
When you’re audited on how you have spent said money.
By people who really like numbers, and spreadsheets, and decimal points, and wearing suits… And who aren’t quite so keen on hearing the stories of the young people who’ve turned their lives around.
And don’t get me wrong, it’s important that we’re good stewards of funding. And we are.
But it’s headache inducing to go back two years and explain why you took a particular young person for a cup of coffee on that particular day and spent that particular £1.20. But I guess that’s audits. A necessary part of life that I wish wasn’t so necessary.
Because I think I am about as far from being an auditor as I could be.
Don’t get me wrong, the guys who’ve visited us have been lovely, and polite, and efficient. And they’ve worn their sharp suits and carried their posh brief cases and typed their excel formulas.
And I have thought that God definitely didn’t make me to be an auditor.
Hence why 3 days of audits it one week leaves me needing a large mug of tea and a heavy sleep!
But I read a quote today that caught my eye.
Dignified has never changed the world, only desperate has.
And the word dignified made me think about my auditors. Lovely, polite, auditors. Who are really interested in numbers and receipts and figures.
And the word desperate made me think of something totally different.
Of a story in the Bible, about someone who was absolutely desperate to meet Jesus.
All we know about this man is that he was a blind beggar. Poor. Forgotten. Neglected. Probably.
And he heard Jesus was coming.
He just heard His name.
And forgetting his dignity, he started shouting for Jesus.
Shouting so loudly that those around him told him to be quiet because he was embarrassing them.
But he shouted all the more.
Desperate for Jesus.
And believing that their was hope and healing to be found if he could just spend some time with this man called Jesus of Nazareth.
And Jesus heard this desperate man, and saw this desperate man, and reached out and healed this desperate man.
And said that his faith had healed him.
His desperation changed his world.
Not his dignity.
Now, I’m not saying that auditors can’t change the world. God can use anyone, this isn’t about our profession. But this thought challenged me.
Am I too busy looking dignified and getting caught up in the detail to be pursuing Jesus like I should be?
Am I too busy looking at the numbers to remember the desperation that drives me to love people?
Do I spend more time looking back at all the mistakes, or do I trust Jesus enough to run to Him in the present?
Because desperate people change the world.
People desperate for Jesus.
People who leave everything to follow Him.
People who give everything for Him no matter the cost.
People who live undignified in order to walk the narrow road.
God can use people who will lay their dignity aside.
So I pray that He gives me that burning, desperate heart of love.