Leaving or returning (?)

I just had coffee with a wonderful friend. It was so lovely and really great and super, super encouraging… But also a strange kind of experience. Because it starts a process that I’m going to have to get used to over these next few weeks.

What I’m mentally and emotionally calling, ‘The Goodbye Coffee’ process.

No, it’s not really a process I guess. It’s just the reality of fitting in quality time with quality people over an increasingly shortening time period.

(Note. I’m not all that great at goodbyes, so I actually prefer to just walk away happily pretending to myself that I’ll see you around like normal forever and ever…)

But, as I think a little more about practically leaving, it’s actually the opposite to the word God is speaking to me spiritually. Which is ‘returning’.

Returning.

That’s been the word that has been circling my heart and mind since my prayer time this morning.

It’s beautifully paradoxical, in a very God-speaking-way, that He would be talking me through spiritually coming home, when I am practically preparing to leave the physical place I have seen as home behind.

But I guess that’s why it’s beautiful.

Because above all the trappings of this temporary reality that we’re passing through, He is my home. And my portion. And my treasure. And everything I am and have is found in Him.

I’ve experienced that today. There are times where I sit to rest in the Presence of my wonderful Heavenly Father, and just have this sense that I am where I should be. And I absolutely have no desire to ever be anywhere else. It’s like my heart is home. And although I carry a sense of that with me all the time as a Christian, there are just some moments of sweetness and love in prayer and worship that it hits me again. In a really deep way.

I have this picture of myself spiritually in these moments.
I’m always a little girl in the picture.
I have the same vividly blond hair that I had until I was 11.
And I’m always wearing a royal robe that looks too big for me, because it is.
I know that it’s been given to me as a gift by my Father.
And sometimes in my vision I see myself worshipping and dancing and twirling, and sometimes I see myself sitting at the feet of my Father and listening to Him in the stillness, or sometimes I just run through the throne-room and throw myself into His arms.
But always I am home.
And always I am free.
To laugh.
To dance.
To know I am forgiven.
To experience that I am loved.
And to know that only in His Presence am I home.
Only in His Presence do I know real joy.
And only in His Presence do I know what freedom truly is.

So, today I’ve really just been thinking about returning to my first love. About doing the things I did at first. About remembering and truly living like He is all I want and all I need. About how it is His opinion of me that defines who I am and what I’ll be. About living before an audience of One alone.
Because here’s the thing. It’s not ok just to know about God. I’m not ok with that. I have to know Him. You know? Really, really, know Him.

Because nothing else satisfies. No other relationship. No other person. No other power.
Nothing less than knowing Him.

So I’m leaving soon. But I’m returning sooner. And today you’ll find me dancing in His throne-room.

return

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